cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
