Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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