You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
