he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
