i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
