My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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