My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
