rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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