Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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