Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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