Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
