I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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