I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
