Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
