Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Oh god it's open bar.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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