I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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