If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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