Your dad touched me again.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize