We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
