What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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