Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Naked Twister starts at high noon
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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