I didn't shave. On purpose
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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