too bad you live with your parents still
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
