i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
