I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my mouth tastes like poor choices
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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