we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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