So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize