Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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