i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
