you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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