Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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