I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
