Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize