mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
