Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I think my moral compass just broke
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
