went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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