the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
