There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
