I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
