Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
