you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
