Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
