Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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