It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
