There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
