Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
