Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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