im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
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