I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
