I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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