i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
