my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
