Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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