Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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