I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
