I puked a lego.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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