OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize