Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
